Joy.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

This quote has been running through my mind on replay the last few weeks. It just seems so applicable to life in general, and specifically to life as a mother.

There are so many things that want to steal our joy. So many of them involve comparing ourselves to others. We seem to either think we are better than someone else or we are jealous of them.  We are always measuring ourselves against others. Sleep training. Nursing. Discipline. It is a constant battle of our minds to not only be content but to find joy. True joy.

I try to steer WAY clear of this game for a number of reasons. But the main one is that I will never find joy as a mother or in my children if I am constantly comparing myself or them to others.

If I didn't know other babies were usually sleeping through the night by now, I probably wouldn't care that Eliza still wakes up. Only to come into our bed. And she drinks an entire cup of milk. And secretly I kinda love those nighttime cuddles. Because she only stops crying once I am holding her.

If I didn't know what made up a "normal" pregnancy, it would never bother me that bed rest and a lot of medication are a part of mine.

If I choose to find pride in my children, no matter when they walk, talk, count to 20 in 3 languages, or can read the NY Times to me, I will be much happier. And so will my children.

The truth is we have to stop this game. It is not good for us and it is not good for our kids. Know you are the best mother your kids can have, even if you are not able to nurse until kindergarten. Just kidding. Please don't really do that. :) But seriously, we have to have confidence that we were made to do this. We have to listen to ourselves and stop comparing ourselves to everyone else.

We need freedom to not be afraid of judgement for what we do. Whether that is co-sleeping or CIO, nursing or formula, spanking or time-out, there are so many differences that can divide us. But they don't have to. And I refuse to not find joy in what I do as a mother because someone else does it differently.

I hope you can find joy too.

Peace.

Today I am peaceful. Maybe it's because both of my kids are napping and Eliza is asleep on my bed so I can't really leave the room for fear that she will fall off. I made a promise to try to avoid letting that happen...again... But really I think I am learning a new deep contentment for living day to day.

My house is a mess. Our bedroom is scattered with various, somewhat organized piles of clothes. Mine because I'm not good at putting them away. Some of Joel's because he likes to wear things again until he really feels they are dirty. Some that are too small for Jeremiah. Some that I have organized for Eliza for this summer. And a huge stack of ones to sell. Not too mention the dirty pile of laundry that only ever disappears for about an hour before it starts again.

But it's okay. Lately I have opted for going to bed early and reading more books and coloring more pages and sticking new stickers all over the house. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay right now with my house needing more attention than it is getting because that means my kids are getting the attention.

I have dreams of one day waking up earlier than my kids to keep a cleaner house. But that's not today. Instead I will harp on the spurts of energy I sometimes, although rarely, get during nap time to clean up a bit. Maybe reorganize to make life more efficient.

But today, instead, I will type this while I listen to my sweet baby sleeping next to me. The one who still isn't sleeping through the night and especially lately needs some extra mom loving. And I will soak it up. I will let her sleep on my shoulder if that's the only way she is comforted. And although I will feel much more rested, I will probably cry the day that she decides her bed is for her.

Peace.

Happy New Year.

Last night I could not sleep. My mind would not quit racing as I reflected on the past year and dreamed about this new one. As many times as I tried to quiet it and count backwards from 100, my mind raced on.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. So many Christmas gatherings, so much family, so many late nights and afternoons without naps. But so good.

After Jeremiah's appointment in Cincinnati, I was frustrated. In fact, I still am. I don't really feel like we are moving forward, and if we are then it is a very very slow climb. Not really what we were hoping for when we already feel like we've been waiting for so long. But alas, that is where we are. We are now without a definite diagnosis, and a little bit without a plan.

Having kids is hard.

I have grieved a lot in the last few weeks, for friends who have miscarried to the tragedy in Connecticut to a family in our church who lost their daughter.  I have never really felt the burden of someone's grief like I have recently.  The reality of the little time we have on earth has been so real.

I have spent many nights awake thinking about my life. What is my day to day? What are my kids remembering? What is my husband feeling? Do they know they are loved? Am I wasting any of my precious time with them? Am I happy with where I am?

Again, having kids is hard. Life can be hard. I want to start 2013 differently. I want to figure out how to squeeze the life out of this life.

I want to keep my TV off and my phone on the counter. I want to play more. I want to hug more. I want to say "I love you" more. I want to give more. I want to find contentment exactly where I am.