Delia Mae

A birth story.

In early February 2013 I found out I was pregnant with an old pregnancy test strip that I found in my cabinet. About 18 months expired. It was the last of a box I had ordered a long time ago when getting pregnant was a strong desire for Joel and I. I shook with a little fear when I first read the positive results. We hadn't planned on a third baby, especially one so soon, and especially while using preventative measures. :)

It took me about 30 seconds though before a smile spread across my face. You see my first pregnancy with Jeremiah was hard. And my second with Eliza was even more difficult. It is hard to know that you are about to walk through a difficult time before it even starts.

Pregnancy is hard for me. It just is. I throw up a lot. I have just about every symptom you can google and I'm moody. Joel likes to tell people he knows when I am pregnant because I'm mean. I blame the baby :). On top of this no one in our family or friends group expected us to get pregnant again. We had been pretty adamant that we were done. I even had a yearly scheduled with my midwife to discuss different birth control. I had to call and change that appointment to a pregnancy confirmation.

But I couldn't help but to be excited. Even when I felt like no one else was and everyone was questioning how did this happen. (We all know the answer to that one :)) I told this baby every day how excited I was and how much I wanted her. I wanted her to be a part of our family. I knew this would be hard for me and for everyone around me but OH how I wanted this baby. In my journal around March 19th I wrote about how we grow in the hard times. I can be thankful in the hard times. I am thankful for growth.

Around 12 weeks pregnant my blood pressure started to spike so I began taking a blood pressure medicine. I also was taking zofran and reglan to help with the sickness.

April 24th, on my 27th birthday, we went to find out the gender. I probably would have bet $1000 it was a boy. I just knew it. Jeremiah had been telling us for weeks it was a boy and had even said his name should be Isaac. I mean come on modern day prophecy. I was sold. Then our sweet little girl showed her girlness and I cried. I love all my friends who choose to wait till D-day to find out the gender but oh that moment of connection when I knew that was a little girl growing.

We soon decided on the name Delia Mae and now I could tell her how excited I was about her.

In July I started to feel a little off. I went for a long, awesome walk with a friend and the next day my blood pressure was high. At this point we started to up my blood pressure medicine as needed to keep it under control. I went on a modified bed rest and then a more strict bed rest at the beginning of August. My midwives are incredible. They fought hard to let me stay home and out of the hospital. What a difference this made. To be home with my little ones was such a blessing.

I am so thankful for the time I spent on bed rest. For one, I believe it kept Delia safe and growing. And two, I developed some incredible relationships I never would have if I had a normal pregnancy. Friends came and helped me with my children, helped me get to the doctor, helped me with dinner. It is incredible to feel part of a village. And we have a great village.

As I increased my blood pressure medicine to the max and continued to feel bad, I saw my midwives twice a week. Delia continued to grow and develop normally. On the 10th of September I woke up feeling awful. My blood pressure was high and I had a terrible headache. So we went to see the high risk doctor at 9 then Melissa afterwards. Since my blood pressure was still high we went over to the hospital for a possible induction. My blood pressure came down after I was admitted and because I was only 36 weeks 5 days, I stayed for 2 nights before the induction began at 37 weeks.

I was moved from the antepartum unit to labor and delivery around midnight. Around 5 am the nurse came in to start the pitocin and by 6:30 I was having painful contractions about 3 minutes apart. I had been dilated close to 4cm before anything started so we thought my body had kicked into labor and the pitocin could be turned down. Unfortunately this was not the case and the contractions almost stopped. So at 8:30 my midwife broke my water and at 10:15 I got my lovely epidural. I asked for a low dose of the epidural so that I could potentially feel everything but not be in pain. However, Delia was "sunny-side" or face up so we spent a lot of time trying different positions to help her roll over.  At 1 pm I was 6 cm and by 2 pm I was 8 cm and feeling a lot of pressure and pain. I realized that I was feeling every contraction from my belly button down and for some reason the epidural wasn't really working everywhere, specifically where it needed to work. :) At 2:40 I was 9/10 cm and Melissa happened to walk through the door. She was a welcomed site indeed. I started pushing and Delia was born at 2:51 after about 5 pushes. She was still face up and I was able to experience the pain of childbirth. Ha!

She weighed in at 7 lbs 5 oz and was 20 inches long. I'm not gonna lie, we were a little disappointed since both Jeremiah and Eliza weighed 7 lbs 3 oz at birth. But that quickly passed. Delia was the sweetest baby. She loved to eat and sleep!

At Delia's two week appointment, we found out that Delia's newborn screening showed a possible positive for Cystic Fibrosis. At this point her blood work had been sent off for some genetic testing. The following day we found out that her genetic test came back with one mutated gene indicative of Cystic Fibrosis. Typically, one is diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis if two mutated genes are present.
So, we scheduled a sweat test for a few weeks later at UK to determine if she actually had Cystic Fibrosis or if she was only a carrier.

It was a strange waiting period. We were told a few things to look for but Delia really didn't show any symptoms besides a short bout with RSV. I tried to read some information but not overload myself with worry until we knew for sure what her diagnosis was for sure.

Her sweat test turned out to be negative. Delia is a carrier of Cystic Fibrosis. We are so thankful but also more mindful of the families that are dealing with this disease in their lives.

I cannot believe how blessed I am by this sweet little girl. She has been the sweetest, sweetest baby. And I am so thankful for this surprise baby who I desperately wanted.

I love you, Delia Mae. Happy 1st Birthday.

Pause

Do you ever pause to look around at your life and just breathe? That's where I am today. My house is an absolute mess...a train track that went around our first floor has come apart leaving pieces scattered, other toys are strewn all over the place, the kitchen counters have mail piled high and milk that has yet to be cleaned, dirty laundry sits in the washer while clean laundry waits to be put away, and supplies waiting to be made into birthday decorations cover the table.

And yet, I sit on my bed holding my sweet baby while she sleeps. Every once in a while I catch myself wishing time to go faster as I wait for Joel to get home or the weekend or a holiday or whatever-and I stop to pause. To freeze this moment in time and to stop wishing the time away.

I want to remember this smell of my sweet girl's hair fresh out of the tub, I want to remember the way her little hand grasps my shirt or hair or anything to hold on to while she sleeps, I want to remember the mess-the toys and the crayons and everything else that shows the fun we've had. I want to remember watching Jeremiah as he lines up his cars and carefully stashes his treasures (mostly my old jewelry) in secret places. I want to remember Eliza's sweet voice as she sings every song she has ever heard. I want to remember the way both of them dote on Delia, running to her when she cries and telling her it's okay.

I am so happy where I am right now. There are so many hard moments. There is so much disobedience and fighting. But there is so much more love and joy. And that is where I am choosing to focus in this short pause.

Joy.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

This quote has been running through my mind on replay the last few weeks. It just seems so applicable to life in general, and specifically to life as a mother.

There are so many things that want to steal our joy. So many of them involve comparing ourselves to others. We seem to either think we are better than someone else or we are jealous of them.  We are always measuring ourselves against others. Sleep training. Nursing. Discipline. It is a constant battle of our minds to not only be content but to find joy. True joy.

I try to steer WAY clear of this game for a number of reasons. But the main one is that I will never find joy as a mother or in my children if I am constantly comparing myself or them to others.

If I didn't know other babies were usually sleeping through the night by now, I probably wouldn't care that Eliza still wakes up. Only to come into our bed. And she drinks an entire cup of milk. And secretly I kinda love those nighttime cuddles. Because she only stops crying once I am holding her.

If I didn't know what made up a "normal" pregnancy, it would never bother me that bed rest and a lot of medication are a part of mine.

If I choose to find pride in my children, no matter when they walk, talk, count to 20 in 3 languages, or can read the NY Times to me, I will be much happier. And so will my children.

The truth is we have to stop this game. It is not good for us and it is not good for our kids. Know you are the best mother your kids can have, even if you are not able to nurse until kindergarten. Just kidding. Please don't really do that. :) But seriously, we have to have confidence that we were made to do this. We have to listen to ourselves and stop comparing ourselves to everyone else.

We need freedom to not be afraid of judgement for what we do. Whether that is co-sleeping or CIO, nursing or formula, spanking or time-out, there are so many differences that can divide us. But they don't have to. And I refuse to not find joy in what I do as a mother because someone else does it differently.

I hope you can find joy too.