Last night I could not sleep. My mind would not quit racing as I reflected on the past year and dreamed about this new one. As many times as I tried to quiet it and count backwards from 100, my mind raced on.
The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. So many Christmas gatherings, so much family, so many late nights and afternoons without naps. But so good.
After Jeremiah's appointment in Cincinnati, I was frustrated. In fact, I still am. I don't really feel like we are moving forward, and if we are then it is a very very slow climb. Not really what we were hoping for when we already feel like we've been waiting for so long. But alas, that is where we are. We are now without a definite diagnosis, and a little bit without a plan.
Having kids is hard.
I have grieved a lot in the last few weeks, for friends who have miscarried to the tragedy in Connecticut to a family in our church who lost their daughter. I have never really felt the burden of someone's grief like I have recently. The reality of the little time we have on earth has been so real.
I have spent many nights awake thinking about my life. What is my day to day? What are my kids remembering? What is my husband feeling? Do they know they are loved? Am I wasting any of my precious time with them? Am I happy with where I am?
Again, having kids is hard. Life can be hard. I want to start 2013 differently. I want to figure out how to squeeze the life out of this life.
I want to keep my TV off and my phone on the counter. I want to play more. I want to hug more. I want to say "I love you" more. I want to give more. I want to find contentment exactly where I am.
