Peace.

Today I am peaceful. Maybe it's because both of my kids are napping and Eliza is asleep on my bed so I can't really leave the room for fear that she will fall off. I made a promise to try to avoid letting that happen...again... But really I think I am learning a new deep contentment for living day to day.

My house is a mess. Our bedroom is scattered with various, somewhat organized piles of clothes. Mine because I'm not good at putting them away. Some of Joel's because he likes to wear things again until he really feels they are dirty. Some that are too small for Jeremiah. Some that I have organized for Eliza for this summer. And a huge stack of ones to sell. Not too mention the dirty pile of laundry that only ever disappears for about an hour before it starts again.

But it's okay. Lately I have opted for going to bed early and reading more books and coloring more pages and sticking new stickers all over the house. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay right now with my house needing more attention than it is getting because that means my kids are getting the attention.

I have dreams of one day waking up earlier than my kids to keep a cleaner house. But that's not today. Instead I will harp on the spurts of energy I sometimes, although rarely, get during nap time to clean up a bit. Maybe reorganize to make life more efficient.

But today, instead, I will type this while I listen to my sweet baby sleeping next to me. The one who still isn't sleeping through the night and especially lately needs some extra mom loving. And I will soak it up. I will let her sleep on my shoulder if that's the only way she is comforted. And although I will feel much more rested, I will probably cry the day that she decides her bed is for her.

Peace.

Happy New Year.

Last night I could not sleep. My mind would not quit racing as I reflected on the past year and dreamed about this new one. As many times as I tried to quiet it and count backwards from 100, my mind raced on.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. So many Christmas gatherings, so much family, so many late nights and afternoons without naps. But so good.

After Jeremiah's appointment in Cincinnati, I was frustrated. In fact, I still am. I don't really feel like we are moving forward, and if we are then it is a very very slow climb. Not really what we were hoping for when we already feel like we've been waiting for so long. But alas, that is where we are. We are now without a definite diagnosis, and a little bit without a plan.

Having kids is hard.

I have grieved a lot in the last few weeks, for friends who have miscarried to the tragedy in Connecticut to a family in our church who lost their daughter.  I have never really felt the burden of someone's grief like I have recently.  The reality of the little time we have on earth has been so real.

I have spent many nights awake thinking about my life. What is my day to day? What are my kids remembering? What is my husband feeling? Do they know they are loved? Am I wasting any of my precious time with them? Am I happy with where I am?

Again, having kids is hard. Life can be hard. I want to start 2013 differently. I want to figure out how to squeeze the life out of this life.

I want to keep my TV off and my phone on the counter. I want to play more. I want to hug more. I want to say "I love you" more. I want to give more. I want to find contentment exactly where I am.  

CCED

Tomorrow we take Jeremiah for his first appointment at Cincinnati Children's Hospital. He has been diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis and Eosinophilic Gastritis. Pronounce those.

This is a long awaited appointment at the Cincinnati Center for Eosinophilic Disorders. We got a referral from our GI Doctor in Dallas way back in May. It is only an hour long appointment with a PA but we are beyond excited to get our feet in the door here. It is the only center in the nation of its kind.

When I think about Jeremiah, I don't think about a kid whose sick or whose belly constantly hurts. He's just our Jeremiah.

He's the hilarious child who rode a camel with his dad last night, and when he got off yelled, "That was awesome. That was crazy awesome." He's also the kid who constantly tries to convince me that watching Blue's Clues or Backyardigans or whatever his current favorite show is will make him feel better. This convincing especially happens when he is crying because he was put in time-out.

Truth is, he doesn't eat. He is still on a bottle most of the time drinking a special supplement for nutrition. BUT that has never defined him in our minds. Yes, it's different. And boy are we seeing that with Eliza who loves to eat. But it's okay.

There are websites that say Jeremiah's quality of life will be diminished because of his disease, but we don't think so. We know that the older he gets, the harder it will be to not eat when everyone else is, but it doesn't mean life is less enjoyable. Our lives will probably never be wrapped around food, instead our time will be most meaningful when we are chucking the football at each other or pushing Eliza full speed in a wagon or reading books or whatever.

We choose happy.